– by Wes Colton, Introvert Unbound
As a dating coach, few things bother me more than bad advice from other coaches. Often times, it’s simply a lack of understanding on their part and they’re only putting out lousy information because they don’t know any better. But all too frequently dating coaches will tell you things they know are false just to sell their services.
In an effort to keep you from falling for the b.s., here’s my list of the top four lies dating coaches tell.
Lie #1: You can fake confidence
The most common dating advice to men is to “be confident.” And fair enough, as confidence is an extremely attractive trait and a great headspace in which to go about life. But if you’re NOT feeling confident in your dating life right now, the suggestion to turn it on like a switch is not only useless but insulting.
Having positive experiences with women is probably the easiest way to feel better about yourself. However, if you’re struggling in this department, that might not currently be an option for you. And just as well, because that’s not true confidence.
Genuine confidence doesn’t come from outside of you, but inside. If you require the validation of others to feel like a worthwhile human being, you’re building a foundation on shifting sands.
Though it might sound hokey, confidence is nothing more than believing in yourself. And while you might be able to fool others (sometimes) into thinking you’re hot stuff, unless you prove it to yourself, you’ll never truly be confident. Luckily, it’s easier to get there than you might think.
The most effective way to build confidence is through a simple, three-step process:
1. Set a worthwhile and achievable goal.
2. Identify the steps towards that goal.
3. Take the steps.
If you do as I’ve outlined above, you won’t even have to reach your goals right away to start feeling more confident. All that matters is you make it abundantly clear to yourself that you’re someone who takes action. Knowing that consistent action will inevitably lead to success over time, you’ll find confidence will start coming naturally to you.
Lie #2: You can avoid rejection
This one is such pure nonsense that most guys don’t fall for it. But the harm doesn’t come from the bald-faced lie that it’s possible to avoid rejection in your dating life, it comes from perpetuating the idea that rejection is such a bad thing in the first place.
I don’t care who you are: If you’re a man and you’ve got any kind of standards for yourself, I promise you will be hearing “no” from women more often than you’ll be hearing “yes.” Trying to avoid rejection in dating is like trying not to sweat during a marathon—it’s just not going to happen (nor should it).
The truth is, the main difference between guys who get better at dating and those who don’t, often comes down to how they handle the negative emotions that come up as a result of not getting what they want.
Now, it goes without saying that anyone looking to bring more of the right women into their life should work on themselves. But, instead of framing rejection as something to desperately avoid, any worthwhile dating coach will teach their clients how to weather the inevitable frustration and disappointment without allowing it to turn into bitterness and despair.
Lie #3: All women are attracted to the same things
If you’ve ever met more than one woman in your life, you know each of them have different dating preferences. Sure, there is a certain very small percentage of men with the social status and/or physical appearance that at least piques the interest of the majority of women. But many dating coaches act as if certain behaviors or styles are universally appealing, whereas the truth is, they only resonate with a certain subset of women.
Age, cultural background, and personality type have a lot do with what a particular woman is interested in. But her level of psychosocial development is even more crucial.
Spiral Dynamics is a scientific model that takes into account just that, basically the different lenses through which we view the world. While these lenses can change over time, determining which one of them a given woman is utilizing when you meet her is perhaps the best way to figure out whether you’re likely to click or not.
For instance, the guy who catches the eye of a club-hopping party girl might not do anything for a church-going country woman. Likewise, the man irresistible to a corporate executive woman might repulse a meditating yoga teacher.
While most dating coaches accept that women can have different tastes in men, few of them understand the importance of their clients finding a woman at a similar level of development as them and where to look for them. Unable to incorporate these concepts into their coaching, they tend to leave them out entirely.
Lie #4: Dating is no different for introverts and extroverts
Most dating coaches’ one-size-fits-all method completely ignores what is perhaps the most important component in dating: your preference for how you give and receive energy, aka whether you’re an “introvert” or an “extrovert.”
If you’re the type of guy who thinks before you act, reflects a lot, and tends to be more contained in your interactions, you’re probably never going to feel comfortable taking on the obnoxious, faux “alpha” behaviors so many dating coaches like to model as the best way to attract women.
And while it’s true that plenty of women are drawn in by that sort of energy (at least for a little while), if that doesn’t come naturally to you, a more thoughtful, laid back approach can work just as well—and sometimes better.
Instead of posturing and screaming your head off like an idiot, if you’re an introvert looking to level up your dating life, focus instead on practicing your social skills, enhancing your conversation chops, and learning how to extend your “social battery.”
Simply put, any dating coach who tells you to fake your personality to achieve success will likely do you more harm than good.
Introvert dating coach, Wes Colton, is a Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI) Certified Practitioner. Contact him today at firstname.lastname@example.org for your free, 30-minute e-chat/phone/Skype consult to hone your strengths, bolster your weaknesses, and become the Introvert Unbound!